


Salty Apple Fritters

by vatrixsta



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: 2008, Gen, Yuletide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-02
Updated: 2009-12-02
Packaged: 2017-10-04 02:16:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vatrixsta/pseuds/vatrixsta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marshall longs for a new holiday tradition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Salty Apple Fritters

**Author's Note:**

> This was such a fun experiment! Hopefully the person I wrote it for thinks so, too. *g* It was interesting writing a real fanfic (rather than a drabble) for what is essentially a sitcom - the format was fun to play with, hopefully it's also fun to read. Written for cashewdani.

~

"Kids, this is the story of how your Aunt Lily started her tradition of baking apple fritters-"

"Yeah, great, Dad, the apple fritters Aunt Lily brings to every holiday party we've ever had - are you ever going to tell us when and how you actually met Mom?"

"Assuming we do not get canceled before our seventh season - yes."

"Damn it."

~

As I was saying, one crisp spring day we were sitting around McLaren's, bored to death, when your Uncle Marshall decided we should go apple picking.

"Well, it's just ridiculous," Marshall said. "It's like we're incapable of enjoying nature. It's beautiful outside and we're just sitting here in a bar waiting for winter to end."

"There's a reason we're waiting for winter to end, Marshall," Ted pointed out. "It's freezing outside. I for one don't plan on starring in our own version of 'Alive.'"

"Wusses," Robin said. "This isn't cold. In Canada-"

"We are NEVER going to Canada," Lily yelled.

~

Robin had been on a kick for several weeks about planning a trip to Canada. Because of this, she'd been extolling its virtues even more than usual. There was the time we tried that new Canadian themed restaurant--

\--"...and the maple syrup covered moose burgers," Robin said. She smiled at everyone around the table. "Am I right? Best meal ever?"

"We have maple syrup in Vermont," Ted said.

"The color scheme of your flag clashes with my complexion," Barney said.

Marshall started crying. "I don't want to eat a moose. I love moose!"

Lily winced and rubbed his back. "He slept with a stuffed moose until he was a teenager."

"LOLA!" Marshall sobbed.

And the time we went to visit Uncle Barney at work--

\--"See?" Robin indicated a very naked Barney and an equally naked Uncle Marshall sitting on his office sofa (I'll explain later). "In Canada, this could be made legal."

And the time she was a special guest at Aunt Lily's kindergarten--

\--"And that," Robin said, "is how you successfully shoot and skin the animal. Who's ready for moose burgers?"

The kids are still recovering.

Speaking of kids - Uncle Marshall was obsessed with holiday tradition now that Aunt Lily was pregnant; future Baby Erickson wouldn't grow up in Minnesota or eat Mom's special salad every year, but Marshall was determined that his son or daughter know something of his life before New York.

And so--

"I want to go apple picking," Marshall announced.

"Apple what now?" Robin asked.

"Oh my God," Barney said, and held out a shaking hand to Marshall. "You're Past Marshall from the 1800s. Tell us, quickly, before you're pulled back in time - who really killed Kennedy?"

"He wouldn't know the answer to that if he was from the 1800s," Ted pointed out.

"Ted, please, I was making a point," Barney sighed.

"That sounds fun, honey," Lily said. "Or it would, if it weren't, you know, colder than a witch's tit out there."

"Lily," Robin said, surprised.

"The colder she gets," Ted said, "the saltier she gets."

Marshall grinned. "Haven't you ever noticed?"

\--2006, the big blizzard. Ted, Marshall, and Robin sat on the red couch in the apartment, watching TV. Lilly went into the kitchen to get a snack. Her voice boomed from the other room.

"Who fucking ate all my goddamn frozen Girl Scout Skinny Bitch Mints?"

\--"And just be glad you weren't around that time we got snowed in," Marshall said.

"The Great Aggression," Ted said quietly in remembrance.

"There's this awesome place in Upstate," Marshall continued. "It's an hour train ride away, we can be there and back in a few hours." He stared beseechingly around the table. "I need this. Little Marshall needs this."

"What does your penis have to do with this?" Barney wanted to know.

"Gross," Marshall said. "Little Marshall is my inner child." He grinned a little. "My penis is Big Marshall."

Barney nodded his head appreciatively.

"Apple picking," Ted said dubiously.

~

The train ride actually passed quickly. We started a game of "Bet you didn't know" which involved one of us telling the other something they didn't know had transpired in the past that someone else in the group could confirm. It was all in good fun with one minor distinction--

\--"Lily seduced me when I came to see her in San Francisco to get you guys back together," Barney told Marshall.

"What?" Lily and Marshall squeaked at the same time.

"Come on, Lil, cat's out of the bag," Barney said. "It's time you let that one wild night put some spice into your ailing marriage, anyway."

"My marriage is not ailing, and I never slept with you." Lilly glared. "Asshole."

"I remember it clear as day--"

\--San Francisco, the age of Lily's Finding Herself.

"So, Fisherman's Wharf, or Alcatraz?" Barney asked, weighing imaginary scales.

Lily ripped her clothes off to reveal nothing but a leopard print bra and panties. "Don't waste your time - I'm the best thing to do in San Francisco before you catch a flight." She jumped into his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist. Just as they were about to kiss, she pressed a finger to his lips. "Marshall can never know."

\--"I did NOT say that," Lily cried. "Or do that! Or wear that!"

Barney cocked his head to the side, then smiled. "Oh right, that's one of my inappropriate fantasies for shame-bation."

"Shame-bation?" Robin scoffed.

Ted did not look happy. "Masturbation that features a fantasy that makes you feel ashamed for getting off on it."

"I have two about Lily," Barney said. "I forgot neither of them was real."

"Dude, for the sake of our friendship and your life, let's never mention this again," Marshall said.

Barney put an arm around Ted and another around Robin. "So, apple picking!"

\--When we arrived at the orchard Marshall had read about on the internet, however, we were greeted by a discouraging sight.

"That's a lot of dead apples," Robin noted.

~

"I don't understand," Marshall whimpered. "It said year round apple picking."

"Yeah, this is very sad," Robin noted. "Hey, you know what might make everyone feel better?"

"We are not taking the train another two hours into Canada," Ted snapped.

"Howdy, folks."

They all turned to regard an older gentlemen that appeared to be bundled up for his last winter on earth.

"Howdy," Marshall said sullenly.

"Can I help you?"

"We were just here for the apple picking," Ted explained.

"Frost took out the whole crop last night," the man explained. "Nothing left on the property but what you see out there."

"Great," Marshall said desolately. "My kid is never going to do anything but sit in the stupid city and learn how to hate traffic and tourists. His first words are probably going to be 'Get out of the way' or 'Learn how to drive.' This was supposed to be the start of a new tradition, something we could give him that's appropriate for a child from our old life."

"I'm sorry, honey," Lily said. "Maybe we can find something else if you'll stop being such a whiny little bitch."

Marshall glared at her.

"If it's fresh apples you're after, the load we harvested three days ago is sitting down at the general store," the man added.

"General store?" Marshall asked, a note of hope creeping into his voice.

~

So we went apple picking at a General store. Sure there were no trees, and we didn't actually pluck the apples from anything but a cardboard holder, but we had fun. We talked about the things we'd make with them--

"Look," Robin said, holding up a frozen apple pie, "I'm going to tell people I made this from scratch."

\--to marveling over the many different varieties--

"They're like women," Barney said philosophically, half a dozen apples spread out before him in a semi-circle on the floor. "Some are sweet, some are tart, some taste better covered in hot caramel, some are better after you've soaked them in alcohol, but you just want to take a big bite out of all of them."

"I'm going to stop you there before this gets too weird for me to follow," Robin said.

"Yeah, good choice," Barney agreed, and bit into a Granny Smith.

\--to deciding what we'd do to commemorate the occasion--

"I'm going to find a perfect recipe," Lily decided, patting Marshall's leg. "We can do this every year with our kids, even when it doesn't snow so fucking hard all the apples freeze. We'll pick our own bloody apples and screw all the bastards who get in our way."

And that's the story of how Aunt Lily invented her famous apple fritters she makes every year at Christmas. Of course, they had a different name that year, one I can't in good conscious repeat to you. It's that salty.

~

END


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